My thoughts for the day

Today i walked back the same route to kkh, wondering if i could walk the same painful path alone.
Hubby told me to take a longer route so that i will not have to walk the same familiar path but part of me just wanted to walk that same road.. Its quite sick, like inflicting pain on myself .. Or i just want to challenge myself to face the pain so that i can heal.
Sometimes i don't understand myself too.

Hubby prepared my ipod for me to listen along the way so as to distract me. This ipod is really good after so many years . As i was listening to Don Moen songs, i can't help but tears just brimmed to my eyes. He would have regret preparing my ipod for me if he knows i m teary again.

Today saw a familiar face at the ivf center and we started chatting. I got to know that they have faced loss before and have been trying many years to get pregnant too and coincidentally they have also been married for 9 years. Their transfer couldn't be done and my heart went out for them as i saw the disappointment and sadness.
I silently prayed a prayer that we would both be able to receive our bundle of joy .

I was chatting with a colleague about baking. The only thing that i ever made was cheesecake & to bake using cornflakes. As i asked him if he has baked cornflakes before, the words i uttered out made me feel uncomfortable as i recalled my baby's nickname.

I saw this article and was really touched as it write out the true feelings of a mum who faced a loss.

http://thelewisnote.com/a-letter-to-my-rainbow-baby

A beautiful Megan necklace from Daddy

Dear Megan,
Yesterday mummy received my promotion award, i knew you would be rejoicing for me in Heaven though i wished you were beside me to share my joy but i know that you have never left me coz you are always in my heart.
If given a chance, i would choose you over the promotion though i know that this promo is indeed still a blessing from God.

On 24 March, daddy give me this beautiful necklace engraved with your name. It was a pleasant surprise from him & it made me tear when i received his msg.

"I know Meg is very close to your heart so this is my gift to her mummy.
I would think she will be very proud n glad of her mummy's recent promo as well."

On 17 Mar at our HCD Retreat, i got to know abt the promo. After the whole event, i went home sat on the sofa and started tearing. I was thinking God has been good to me . There was alot of mixed and welled up emotions.
He has answered specifically when i asked for a govt job at toa payoh . He has answered my prayer for a child for years when i prayed that he would give me this gift at Christmas Eve and i got to know my pregnancy on 24 Dec 2015 though i dun know why you have to be taken away.  He has also answer my prayer for a promo.

Lord, i prayed that you would give us babies once again. Help us to trust in you, to be brave and courageous. Help us to see that you have been faithful and real in our lives, that you would give us earthly siblings of Megan into our lives. Amen!

Those Moments

Recently passed by the store at toa payoh, i thought the salesgirl may not recognize me.
She started commenting you have given birth, you are still so slim.
At this point, how could i answer her, i didn't want to do any explaining and broke down again so i choose to take my exit. I answered i am in a rush and will talk to you again and left abruptly.

When self blame comes knocking again

I remember there was this day i was having a conversation with my colleague.
I was asking her if there was certain products that we have to watch out during pregnancy .. Like the type of shampoo or bath gel etc ...
Then she was seriously telling me, you have already been so careful during your pregnancy, what else can you do...... and i asked her to stop.
I started to tear again, i know she meant well as she didnt want me to keep thinking of it or wondering if it is something that i have done or have not done that could keep my baby. 

A letter for our girl

Dear Megan,
It has been a joy having you for the past half a year. Visit to the gyne always took hours but its always a joy when i look back though mummy has not been the patient type.
Every month seeing you grow bit by bit through the ultrasound and there was those growth spurts and getting to feel your movements more and more was amazing.
I still remembered how we caught you kicking your leg in the air in the early stage of the pregnancy and we even thought you were a boy back then, just like your daddy who loves soccer.
At the end of the 2nd tremaster, you always loved to place your fist at my right ribs .. I always commented to daddy that you would be a very playful girl just like us .
Though you were getting heavier and mummy was feeling more tired by the day and walking even slower than before but i am waiting in anticipation for your arrival.

How i missed you , missed your growing up years, missed how you would look like when you are at your toddler years.
That day mummy saw alot of Mindchamps kids dressed up for their performance . How i wish i could attend your performance as well.
I didn't get to bring you to the playground, to parks or to swimming pools , but i trust that you have a good time in Heaven with Jesus.
Miss you always.

With Love,
Mummy

The prayer from my nieces

On thursday, my niece Glenda told hubby that she dreamt we are having a baby again and she was playing with our baby.
Yesterday i asked her if its a baby girl or boy..she said baby girl.
I also got to know that she has ben praying with her sister for us to have another baby.. I was so touched...
As i was asking her about the prayer, Gianna kept covering her mouth to prevent her from speaking, coz she was afraid that it may make me tear again and Gianna kept looking at me to make sure i am alright.
They are so sweet.
I pray that their and our prayers could come true soon, our babies will arrive safely into this world, Amen!
By faith, we have given our babies their names "Le Xuan" and "kai Xuan" which represent joy and victory.

The song we sang to our baby

We used to sing this song to our baby

I love you forever
I like for always
As long as i'm living
My baby you'll be .