Those Moments

Recently passed by the store at toa payoh, i thought the salesgirl may not recognize me.
She started commenting you have given birth, you are still so slim.
At this point, how could i answer her, i didn't want to do any explaining and broke down again so i choose to take my exit. I answered i am in a rush and will talk to you again and left abruptly.

When self blame comes knocking again

I remember there was this day i was having a conversation with my colleague.
I was asking her if there was certain products that we have to watch out during pregnancy .. Like the type of shampoo or bath gel etc ...
Then she was seriously telling me, you have already been so careful during your pregnancy, what else can you do...... and i asked her to stop.
I started to tear again, i know she meant well as she didnt want me to keep thinking of it or wondering if it is something that i have done or have not done that could keep my baby. 

A letter for our girl

Dear Megan,
It has been a joy having you for the past half a year. Visit to the gyne always took hours but its always a joy when i look back though mummy has not been the patient type.
Every month seeing you grow bit by bit through the ultrasound and there was those growth spurts and getting to feel your movements more and more was amazing.
I still remembered how we caught you kicking your leg in the air in the early stage of the pregnancy and we even thought you were a boy back then, just like your daddy who loves soccer.
At the end of the 2nd tremaster, you always loved to place your fist at my right ribs .. I always commented to daddy that you would be a very playful girl just like us .
Though you were getting heavier and mummy was feeling more tired by the day and walking even slower than before but i am waiting in anticipation for your arrival.

How i missed you , missed your growing up years, missed how you would look like when you are at your toddler years.
That day mummy saw alot of Mindchamps kids dressed up for their performance . How i wish i could attend your performance as well.
I didn't get to bring you to the playground, to parks or to swimming pools , but i trust that you have a good time in Heaven with Jesus.
Miss you always.

With Love,
Mummy

The prayer from my nieces

On thursday, my niece Glenda told hubby that she dreamt we are having a baby again and she was playing with our baby.
Yesterday i asked her if its a baby girl or boy..she said baby girl.
I also got to know that she has ben praying with her sister for us to have another baby.. I was so touched...
As i was asking her about the prayer, Gianna kept covering her mouth to prevent her from speaking, coz she was afraid that it may make me tear again and Gianna kept looking at me to make sure i am alright.
They are so sweet.
I pray that their and our prayers could come true soon, our babies will arrive safely into this world, Amen!
By faith, we have given our babies their names "Le Xuan" and "kai Xuan" which represent joy and victory.

The song we sang to our baby

We used to sing this song to our baby

I love you forever
I like for always
As long as i'm living
My baby you'll be . 

It has been half a year

We have not been blogging recently as these would stir up all the painful memories, tearing as i am writing again.

It is coming to half a year now .... Tomorrow will be exactly 10 December.
December has always been my favourite month, the time of festive period, filled with christmas carols, christmas decoration and joy.
Before Megan was born, i have thought this year Christmas would be so different as we welcome our baby with us and even thought of getting her a Christmas gift. Dear hubby has intended to bring her to Orchard to take family photos. But its such a painful regret that we didnt have a chance to do so.

These days i seem to be better, able to smile or laugh abit more. At times i felt guilty for smiling or laughing but i know that this should not be the way as hubby has reminded me a few times before.

I read somewhere that it state in the midst of your grief, you can still find joy. My colleague and hubby have also told me that its not that you have forgotten her.

Megan wouldn't want me to be unhappy , not the people around me wants me to remain in this state.
Perhaps all along i had been hard on myself, the way i expect of myself or perhaps due to my upbringing. I have learnt to be kinder to myself and allow joy to step in.

A few weeks ago, our indian neighbour decided to ask us where is our baby. I turned away and couldn't answer his question and started tearing.
Dear hubby has to explain that we have lost our baby. He felt bad and kept apologizing.

Facing babies and girl toddlers have been difficult. Seeing pregnant ladies, and seeing their baby bumps make me think of the 3rd tremaster that i didnt reach and the baby bump that i missed. To make things worse is the fact that my office is often with women getting pregnant and giving birth and i am the odd one out .

I have been grateful for some of my kind colleagues that have given me the space i needed or shown their concern in their own way as best as they could.

This is a difficult journey .... The first time in my life that i realized what it truly means to grief and the intensity of it . But i know that we are slowly recovering. 

How to lend support

How to lend support to those who are grieving.


http://www.cbss.sg/how_to_lend_support.html

Grief

Mummy's toy ball for Megan

Mummy bought this toy ball for Megan way even before she was born. She loves this ball as it has a bell inside and she could imagine Megan giggling and chasing after the ball.

Daddy's toy car for Megan

Daddy has bought this little red car for Megan during one of our antennal class while having breakfast at MacDonald.

Our first presents for our baby

These are the first presents that we bought for our baby.

Our baby's nickname - little cornflakes

Our baby has a nickname called little cornflakes as during the month of Dec, i was baking cornflakes as Christmas gift, thus hubby came up with this nickname for her.

A hand made gift from Megan's aunty

Megan's aunty has hand made this gift as a remembrance for our baby and i really appreciate her thoughts.

Priscilla's painting for us

To Marc, Theresa and Megan
I ask God for an image for your family
Cassia: An ingredient used in annointing oil (purple in my image)
And the blood of Jesus covers.
May Jesus explains further the meaning of image to you and your family . 

Baby's breathe, remembrance of our daughter

31 Aug 2016 is supposed to be the day of our daughter's EDD. This special day that we have awaited with excitement but she had gone too fast, too soon to be with the Lord.
These baby breathe was supposed to be  for her one month celebration, but daddy has bought this flowers yesterday in remembrance of her..

These bright white dots symbolize
- Everlasting and undying love
- Pureness and freedom
- Power of Holy Spirit in Christian Faith
- Innocence
- Newborn babies of either gender
- Reconnecting with loved ones

Carousel - Mommy's Present for Megan

Mommy had wanted to give this sweet pendant to wee Megan... Isnt it lovely? ...

Daddy's Song for Megan

"Return to Pooh Corner" is a beautiful and adorable song which daddy loves very much.
Mommy loves Pooh Bear alot also.
Daddy had wanted to sing this song for you and with you when you are a little older...
Daddy will tweak the lyrics a little bit, just for you ...


"After all's said and done I was watching my girl
Sleeping there with my bear by her side
So I tucked her in, I kissed her and as I was going
I swear that old bear whispered, 'Meg, welcome home..."

Christopher Robin and I walked along
Under branches lit up by the moon
Posing our questions to owl and eeyore
As our days disappeared all too soon
But I've wandered much further today than I should
And I can't seem to find my way back to the wood

So help me if you can I've got to get
Back to the house at Pooh corner by one
You'd be surprised there's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky
Back to the days of Christopher Robin and Pooh

Winnie the Pooh doesn't know what to do
Got a honey jar stuck on his nose
He came to me asking help and advice
And from here no one knows where he goes
So I sent him to ask of the owl if he's there
How to loosen a jar from the nose of a bear

Help me If you can I've got to get
Back to the house at Pooh corner by one
You'd be surprised there's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky
Back to the days of Christopher Robin and Pooh

Itâ's hard to explain how a few precious things
Seem to follow throughout all our lives
After all's said and done I was watching my son
Sleeping there with my bear by his side
So I tucked him in, I kissed him and as I was going
I swear that old bear whispered, 'boy, welcome home'

Believe me if you can I've finally come
Back to the house at Pooh corner by one
What do you know there's so much to be done
Count all the bees in the hive
Chase all the clouds from the sky
Back to the days of Christopher Robin
Back to the ways of Christopher Robin
Back to the days of Pooh

 

To Our Dearest Daughter

Dedicating this blog to our dearest daughter Megan.


Although she has been with us for only 28 weeks, she has undeniably left her cute indelible footprints in mommy and daddy's life.


While mourning and lamenting the brevity of her time with us, we are thankful that we ever had her as part of the family.


Megan's Chinese name is supposed to be 雨旋 (the melody of the rain) .


Hence, the name of this blog is titled Megan's Melody 雨的旋律


Just like a melody, she has brought a beautiful song to our life and like a melody, she will always be fondly remembered...