We have not been blogging recently as these would stir up all the painful memories, tearing as i am writing again.
It is coming to half a year now .... Tomorrow will be exactly 10 December.
December has always been my favourite month, the time of festive period, filled with christmas carols, christmas decoration and joy.
Before Megan was born, i have thought this year Christmas would be so different as we welcome our baby with us and even thought of getting her a Christmas gift. Dear hubby has intended to bring her to Orchard to take family photos. But its such a painful regret that we didnt have a chance to do so.
These days i seem to be better, able to smile or laugh abit more. At times i felt guilty for smiling or laughing but i know that this should not be the way as hubby has reminded me a few times before.
I read somewhere that it state in the midst of your grief, you can still find joy. My colleague and hubby have also told me that its not that you have forgotten her.
Megan wouldn't want me to be unhappy , not the people around me wants me to remain in this state.
Perhaps all along i had been hard on myself, the way i expect of myself or perhaps due to my upbringing. I have learnt to be kinder to myself and allow joy to step in.
A few weeks ago, our indian neighbour decided to ask us where is our baby. I turned away and couldn't answer his question and started tearing.
Dear hubby has to explain that we have lost our baby. He felt bad and kept apologizing.
Facing babies and girl toddlers have been difficult. Seeing pregnant ladies, and seeing their baby bumps make me think of the 3rd tremaster that i didnt reach and the baby bump that i missed. To make things worse is the fact that my office is often with women getting pregnant and giving birth and i am the odd one out .
I have been grateful for some of my kind colleagues that have given me the space i needed or shown their concern in their own way as best as they could.
This is a difficult journey .... The first time in my life that i realized what it truly means to grief and the intensity of it . But i know that we are slowly recovering.
It is coming to half a year now .... Tomorrow will be exactly 10 December.
December has always been my favourite month, the time of festive period, filled with christmas carols, christmas decoration and joy.
Before Megan was born, i have thought this year Christmas would be so different as we welcome our baby with us and even thought of getting her a Christmas gift. Dear hubby has intended to bring her to Orchard to take family photos. But its such a painful regret that we didnt have a chance to do so.
These days i seem to be better, able to smile or laugh abit more. At times i felt guilty for smiling or laughing but i know that this should not be the way as hubby has reminded me a few times before.
I read somewhere that it state in the midst of your grief, you can still find joy. My colleague and hubby have also told me that its not that you have forgotten her.
Megan wouldn't want me to be unhappy , not the people around me wants me to remain in this state.
Perhaps all along i had been hard on myself, the way i expect of myself or perhaps due to my upbringing. I have learnt to be kinder to myself and allow joy to step in.
A few weeks ago, our indian neighbour decided to ask us where is our baby. I turned away and couldn't answer his question and started tearing.
Dear hubby has to explain that we have lost our baby. He felt bad and kept apologizing.
Facing babies and girl toddlers have been difficult. Seeing pregnant ladies, and seeing their baby bumps make me think of the 3rd tremaster that i didnt reach and the baby bump that i missed. To make things worse is the fact that my office is often with women getting pregnant and giving birth and i am the odd one out .
I have been grateful for some of my kind colleagues that have given me the space i needed or shown their concern in their own way as best as they could.
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