Those Moments

Recently passed by the store at toa payoh, i thought the salesgirl may not recognize me.
She started commenting you have given birth, you are still so slim.
At this point, how could i answer her, i didn't want to do any explaining and broke down again so i choose to take my exit. I answered i am in a rush and will talk to you again and left abruptly.

When self blame comes knocking again

I remember there was this day i was having a conversation with my colleague.
I was asking her if there was certain products that we have to watch out during pregnancy .. Like the type of shampoo or bath gel etc ...
Then she was seriously telling me, you have already been so careful during your pregnancy, what else can you do...... and i asked her to stop.
I started to tear again, i know she meant well as she didnt want me to keep thinking of it or wondering if it is something that i have done or have not done that could keep my baby. 

A letter for our girl

Dear Megan,
It has been a joy having you for the past half a year. Visit to the gyne always took hours but its always a joy when i look back though mummy has not been the patient type.
Every month seeing you grow bit by bit through the ultrasound and there was those growth spurts and getting to feel your movements more and more was amazing.
I still remembered how we caught you kicking your leg in the air in the early stage of the pregnancy and we even thought you were a boy back then, just like your daddy who loves soccer.
At the end of the 2nd tremaster, you always loved to place your fist at my right ribs .. I always commented to daddy that you would be a very playful girl just like us .
Though you were getting heavier and mummy was feeling more tired by the day and walking even slower than before but i am waiting in anticipation for your arrival.

How i missed you , missed your growing up years, missed how you would look like when you are at your toddler years.
That day mummy saw alot of Mindchamps kids dressed up for their performance . How i wish i could attend your performance as well.
I didn't get to bring you to the playground, to parks or to swimming pools , but i trust that you have a good time in Heaven with Jesus.
Miss you always.

With Love,
Mummy

The prayer from my nieces

On thursday, my niece Glenda told hubby that she dreamt we are having a baby again and she was playing with our baby.
Yesterday i asked her if its a baby girl or boy..she said baby girl.
I also got to know that she has ben praying with her sister for us to have another baby.. I was so touched...
As i was asking her about the prayer, Gianna kept covering her mouth to prevent her from speaking, coz she was afraid that it may make me tear again and Gianna kept looking at me to make sure i am alright.
They are so sweet.
I pray that their and our prayers could come true soon, our babies will arrive safely into this world, Amen!
By faith, we have given our babies their names "Le Xuan" and "kai Xuan" which represent joy and victory.

The song we sang to our baby

We used to sing this song to our baby

I love you forever
I like for always
As long as i'm living
My baby you'll be . 

It has been half a year

We have not been blogging recently as these would stir up all the painful memories, tearing as i am writing again.

It is coming to half a year now .... Tomorrow will be exactly 10 December.
December has always been my favourite month, the time of festive period, filled with christmas carols, christmas decoration and joy.
Before Megan was born, i have thought this year Christmas would be so different as we welcome our baby with us and even thought of getting her a Christmas gift. Dear hubby has intended to bring her to Orchard to take family photos. But its such a painful regret that we didnt have a chance to do so.

These days i seem to be better, able to smile or laugh abit more. At times i felt guilty for smiling or laughing but i know that this should not be the way as hubby has reminded me a few times before.

I read somewhere that it state in the midst of your grief, you can still find joy. My colleague and hubby have also told me that its not that you have forgotten her.

Megan wouldn't want me to be unhappy , not the people around me wants me to remain in this state.
Perhaps all along i had been hard on myself, the way i expect of myself or perhaps due to my upbringing. I have learnt to be kinder to myself and allow joy to step in.

A few weeks ago, our indian neighbour decided to ask us where is our baby. I turned away and couldn't answer his question and started tearing.
Dear hubby has to explain that we have lost our baby. He felt bad and kept apologizing.

Facing babies and girl toddlers have been difficult. Seeing pregnant ladies, and seeing their baby bumps make me think of the 3rd tremaster that i didnt reach and the baby bump that i missed. To make things worse is the fact that my office is often with women getting pregnant and giving birth and i am the odd one out .

I have been grateful for some of my kind colleagues that have given me the space i needed or shown their concern in their own way as best as they could.

This is a difficult journey .... The first time in my life that i realized what it truly means to grief and the intensity of it . But i know that we are slowly recovering.